Journal of the Downward Spiral
by GIR's Infernal Waffles
Summary: Day 40- Zim. I'm afraid I'm forgetting you. I miss you. Zim. Zim. Why can I hear your laugh, but not your voice? Why can I see your eyes, but not your face? Where am I, exactly? I still don't know. You could tell me, I'm sure. You're probably responsible, you monster. I wish I was on Irk. I don't want to be on Earth. I don't want to be here any longer. ZaDr DARK! M for language
1. The Journal

**(A/N) ****... I'm posting at two in the morning because I feel like it. Don't question me. -.- **

**First/second person is always fun to write, especially when the subject matter is so dark. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. **

… **Also, this is not a vent fic. Just sayin'. **

**ABOUT THE RATING: I've slapped an M rating on this fic mainly for language- and mostly for the second chapter, not so much this first one. I wanted it to be raw first person, so I haven't sensored much, if anything. There's also some touchy subject matter- I've seen fics labeled M for far less. HEED THE RATING- if you don't, you may regret it once you get to chapter two.**

**THIS IS ZADR, although that may not be apparent until the second chapter, as well. However, it is NOT rated for the yaoi- this is NOT a sexual fic, though that does play a role. **

**This was written to "We Are the Fallen" music. Go check them out- put them on in the background while you read, if you so desire. **

**I do not own Dib or Zim. I love them both, but I do enjoy tormenting my characters and those I borrow... **

_Day 1_

I don't remember being brought here- I don't remember anything past that final confrontation with Zim... and before that, being in the High Skool cafeteria. I remember him... asking for my help. I don't remember why, and I couldn't possibly think of a viable explanation. But I do remember what happened when I followed him into the hall.

Torque slammed me against the lockers; that wasn't new- he's found a new group since we entered High Skool, and beating up either Zim or I- or sometimes Keef, if neither of us are available -is his favorite pastime beyond lifting weights- his favorite way to prove he's tough. Zim shrieked, obviously surprised- I went limp.

"Hi, Torque," I said with a sigh. "Do we have to do this again?"

"Fag!" He spit in my face.

Wait, I started out saying that this was a confrontation between Zim and I, didn't I...? I could have sworn that _that _was my last memory, not a fight with Torque that Zim just happened to be present for.

Regardless, I woke up here. And so now, counting myself lucky that this notebook and pen happened to be here, I'll write down all I know- beyond a doubt -to be true.

My name is Dib.  
I am in High Skool- 11th grade.  
My father is Professor Membrane, and my sister is Gazlene.  
Zim is an alien- an Irken, they're called.  
Torque Smacky grew up to be an insufferable jerk.  
Humanity doesn't appreciate what I do for it on a daily basis.  
Zim is my enemy.  
Zim would kill me, if he got the chance.  
High Skool has an unfortunate tendency to force outcasts together.  
I would kill Zim, if I got the chance.  
I've had many chances.

_Day 2_

I bothers me- my missing memories, I mean. It helps to write here, as if the answer might appear on the page- magically spring from my pen. But I've never been much of a writer- the arts and science are notoriously opposed, and my paranormal studies are every bit the science that my dad's is.

I'm sure Torque slammed me against that locker, just like I wrote yesterday. But if feels like there's something missing- something that would explain how I came to be in this cold, empty room. The only noise is the scratch of my pen on this page, and the occasional sound of my own footsteps if I decide to rise and pace. I don't know where I am- for all I know, I might be stranded in Zim's basement, captured by his security system. Whoever's on the other side of these walls hasn't seen fit to bring any food, and I'm starving.

I want to sleep a lot- more than normal. Even now I can feel my eyes drooping again. But I have one more thing I wanted to write...

But I seem to have forgotten it. Probably something about Zim...

_Day 3_

If I didn't have this journal to write in, I might rise to my dad's expectations and go insane. But I do, so that's okay.

I miss Zim more than I ever thought I would. I miss seeing him from across the classroom in English, and I miss sitting behind him in Government. He's always so bored during Government... sometimes he'll fall asleep with his head on my desk. An alien Invader should pay attention in Government, of all classes. He looks almost cute when he sleeps.

I hope no one reads this, despite my distinct desire for someone to do just that.

But if I could choose between Zim and a slice of pizza right now... well, I'd probably choose Zim. But if it was a whole pizza...

_Day 5_

Did I write yesterday? I don't think so. How did I spend my time, then? I don't remember that, either. But there are five tick-marks on this white wall, and I'm meticulous about my tick-marks.

I was wondering, today, if Gaz has noticed that I'm gone. Dad probably hasn't. But I still live with Gaz... even if she doesn't act like it.

_Day 6_

It occurred to me today to crawl around on the floor, looking for cracks. I still don't know why I'm here, and I don't know why it hasn't occurred to me to look for a way out before. So I spent the day searching the floor with numb fingers- why is it so cold in here? I don't even have a blanket, and they took my cloak. This white coat they replaced it with does nothing to keep out the chill.

But my search was fruitless- I must not be in Zim's basement; he's not smart enough to build something I can't get out of. Maybe tomorrow I'll stand up and search the walls in a similar way- maybe I _am _in Zim's basement, and the inevitable flaw in this containment unit just lies elsewhere.

But for now, I'm tired. So tried and so hungry- I feel weak and trembly all over, and I don't think I can keep the pen in this unruly hand of mine for much longer.

_Day 8_

I feel strangely awake today- more awake then I've felt since they brought me here- who brought me here? Why am I here? I can't write fast enough to to fill this page with all the questions I realize now _I HAVEN'T BEEN ASKING_.

I lost another day, and I can't figure out why- I'm sure that that's a central price of this puzzle. I spent today searching the walls for any cracks or crevices- reading over my past entries here, I can't make sense of how lackadaisical I sounded! This is serious! I have to get out of here, no matter what!

This is Dib, recording here for all to see that I will not surrender!

This must be part of Zim's plot- or perhaps it isn't. But I know he's involved somehow! I remember yelling at him just before I was brought here- I don't know how Torque fits into the picture, but I doubt he's important at all. What's important is that final argument with Zim- and that's the thing that's missing.

The only thing in this damned room besides me is a lamp- a lamp and these blasted pillows. I tore a couple of those up today- made a nest that keeps out some of the cold. I wish I could climb the lamp- it looks as if I could reach the ceiling if I did, and I'm sure that that's where the entrance is. It has to be.

I'm so hungry it's eating me alive. Between thinking about Zim and Gaz and Dad and trying to figure out where I am and why I'm here and how I came to be here and to what purpose I was brought here, food is all I _can _think about. I can't believe all the days I curled up in my warm bed after eating a hot meal with Gaz and didn't thank my lucky stars.

I have to get back there. I won't give in. I won't give in to whatever the hell they're doing to me, because they _are _doing _something _to me.

Zim, I don't know exactly why... I don't _remember _exactly why... but if you read this, on day... I want you to know one thing:

I hate you, you fucking little green alien menace.

_Day 11_

Where did the days go...

If it wasn't for my last entry, I would have no memory of the clarity I had the treat of experiencing those three days ago.

Everything is so hazy... I can't quite make out the iink on the page, so excuse  
me if I skip a line or repeat a letter. I usually don ' t write so sloppily. But I had to writ here today, regardless of how disoriented I feel  
ttoday. My mind is still intact, despite their attempts to damag it.

But I have to sleep now. I hope I wake up tomorrow

_Day 12_

I managed to wake up today.

_Day 13_

Isn't 13 an unlucky number...? Or is that just a human superstition? I wonder if Zim would laugh at me if I asked him if it was unlucky on Irk...

I think he would.

_Day 15_

I wasn't going to write today, but it occurred to me the I should record the fact that I'm bleeding. I don't remember how I was hurt, but I had to wash my bedding today. No one wants to sleep in dried blood, even if it is their own.

_Day 20_

I have made a horrible mistake.

This entire time, I've been assuming I was still on Earth. But I'm not.

I'm a prisoner of war, held here on Irk.

That must have been what that final argument was about- the argument between Zim and I, I mean, not the argument between Torque and I. It explains everything.

They've been drugging me.

The guards have been beating me- if these weren't asexual Irkens we were talking about, I might think I had been raped- more than once, judging from how sore I am. They haven't fed me- there _is _no human food here, and even if there was they wouldn't care enough to feed me.

That little green bastard Zim finally betrayed me.

I screamed his name until I was hoarse today, pounding on the walls until my fists were cracked and bloody. I know he must be here- I know he must be watching me, watching me suffer.

Zim, I know you'll read this one day, if only for your own amusement. I'll never forgive you, you bastard. I'll take my bitter hatred of your worm-ridden hide to the grave, and I hope that will haunt you for the rest of your hollow, self-absorbed existence.

_Day 21_

I miss you, Zim...

... why aren't you here with me...?

_Day 22_

What have I been writing here, all this time? Subjective truths- my opinions and my perception of the world.

So here are the things I know to be true:

My name is Dib.  
I am in 11th grade- High Skool.  
Zim is an alien- an Irken, specifically.  
Humanity as a whole has never appreciated me- no single human has, either.  
Zim is my enemy.  
Zim would kill me, if he got the chance.  
He has had many chances.  
High Skool tends to create bonds between outcasts.  
Zim is my best friend.  
Gaz never believes me.  
Dad is ashamed of me.  
Torque Smacky deserves his shit-head friends.  
I would kill Zim, if I got the chance.  
I've had many chances.  
We have no one but each other.  
Zim has betrayed me.

_Day 24_

I forgot to write something yesterday.  
But I can't remember what it is.

_Day 25_

My mind is clear today. Looking over the list I wrote, I remembered what I should add:

I am starving to death.  
If I don't get out of here, I am going to die.  
I have to get out of here.

I climbed the lamp today and searched the ceiling- it took everything I had, and to no avail. There is no door to this place, at least not one that I can find. I'm sure these men have raped me at least once, so there must be some way to get in and out; I know they keep me drugged, so there must be some way to get in and out.

But I can't find it.

I'm going to die here.

I miss you, Zim.

_Day 26_

I must stay awake. They won't come for me when I'm awake.

_Day 30_

The Irkens raped me again today. I have come to terms with such things.

I'm not as hungry as I was. Either I'm closer to death than I think or they took pity on me.

_Day 33_

The days are slipping by faster, now- sometimes I forget to write here, and I apologize to whoever happens to be reading.

Today would be an okay day- my mind is clear enough to think, and I'm not shaking as badly as I usually do. But I can hear the Irkens outside.

And so today is a bad day.

I miss you, Zim. Do you know what your kind is doing to me? Gaz will kill you when she finds out.

If she ever cares enough to find out where her brother went.

_Day 40_

Zim. I'm afraid I'm forgetting you. I miss you. Zim. Zim. Why can I hear your laugh, but not your voice...? Why can I see your eyes, but not your face...?

I wish I was on Irk. I don't want to be on Earth. I don't want to live here any longer. I hate being human.

I wish I was on Irk with you.

_Day 41_

I'm clearer today. Zim, I have to get out of here- for you. But I'm so tired.

I don't think I can remember what it feels like to walk farther than the length of this little, nine by nine room. I do remember running- Torque was behind us, wasn't he...?

But I have to keep trying. I have to keep scratching the plaster- tearing my nails out, painting the walls red with my desperate attempts. I know it's pointless, but I have to make it out, if only to tell you to your face that you're wrong.

Even if I can't remember what you're wrong about.

_Day 44_

Zim... I'm sure you were the last thing I saw before they threw me in here. That's why I can remember your voice, your gaze, but not Gaz's. I can't remember my own sister's eyes, but yours burn my psyche.

Zim, I miss you so much- it hurts more than the hunger. It numbs me more than the cold.

I hate you, Zim. You brought me here, didn't you?

_Day 48_

Zim, I see you everywhere. It's you who's raping me, here in this Irken prison. It's you.

But you're also the only thing that keeps me warm at night.

_Day 50_

I'm cold- it must be winter on the outside. I wonder if its snowing. Zim still hasn't come to see me. I'm beginning to wonder if he ever existed.

**(A/N) NOT THE END. I'll have the second and final chapter up soon. **

**Please leave a review- I would love to hear your thoughts. :) **


	2. Fallout

**(A/N) Chapter 2 (at last)! I really enjoyed writing it, and hope you enjoy reading it. :) This POV is so much fun~ **

**Hopefully you've already read all the warnings, so I'll skip all that. :P **

**Thanks to BlackRose556, xXFemkeXx, Greath, Lileipad and TwoCute for reviewing! 3 **

**I do not own Zim, Dib or Invader Zim. Or Prof. Membrane. Or Torque Smacky. :P **

**Last warning: ZaDr and language! Flames will be used to roast my marshmallows. :3 **

Zim, you came to see me today.

I can't believe it.

I think I began to cry, but I can't really tell.

You held me in your arms, and I was warm. Zim, how long has it been? I would ask you that, but my voice doesn't work. I think you're crying.

Don't cry, Zim. You've been with me this whole time, you bastard.

You keep apologizing- "Zim is sorry, Zim is so sorry! Forgive Zim, Dib-thing, but don't forgive Zim! Never forgive Zim!"

You're weeping- I'm sure of it now.

Don't cry, my dear Zim. You didn't abandon me- you never left me. And you don't have to beg- you know I'll never forgive you.

Here, read this.

My hands are weak as I try to hand it to you; they tremble. You let the journal I've kept fall in favor of clutching them, holding them to your lips and warming them with your breath. Zim.

I've missed you.

I wish I could smack you.

Are we leaving, Zim? I still don't know: are we on Earth or Irk? I'm sorry that I can't walk; I wish you didn't have to carry me.

Don't forget my journal! Don't forget my journal, Zim. I want you to read it.

Has Torque been leaving you alone, Zim? He doesn't have anything against either of us, you know- he just has something against us when we're together. So as long as you haven't been talking too much about me, he shouldn't have beaten you up too badly. You're more comfortable being stuffed into a locker than me anyway, you tiny bastard.

But you've grown, haven't you?

Zim...

The sun is so bright- I never imagined it was summer out here, but the sun burns my eyes and skin. Despite how much I hate myself for it, I bury my face in your chest.

Zim... it burns me like water burns you.

I don't know where you're taking me; even if I opened my eyes, I would be effectively blind. I just cling to you- I trust you, Zim.

You're such an insufferable jerk.

When I hear a door open and then shut, my curiosity convinces me to look up. Why are we at your house, Zim? What are you planning to do to me?

And why is Dad here?

Dad?

His presence makes my head spin, and you wordlessly pass me into his arms. He's weeping, too. Don't cry, Dad- you were right. I am insane.

"My son... my poor, dear son... I'm so sorry... I should have believed you...!"

But Dad, I am insane! Read my journal- you'll see. There are no aliens- there can't be. I'm still on earth- that must prove it.

Zim, you startled me! Don't sneak up on me... with those ruby eyes of yours...

Zim... you aren't... wearing your disguise. What... are you thinking...?

"My son, your little alien friend told me everything.

"I have failed you, my son."

I feel my face twist; oh god, Zim, I don't want you to see me like this...! You're just watching... calmly... sadly... I don't want you to see me cry like this...! This gratitude... unbearable...!

But you're not going to leave, so eventually I give in and sob, clutching at Dad's clean white coat and trying to forget your presence altogether.

God, Zim...! I just love you so much...!

… … …

_"You god damn faggot," Torque growled, shoving me hard into the locker. I squeaked, wincing._

_"Z-Zim...!" I choked, looking around; he was gone- nowhere to be seen. Torque tightened his grip, cutting off my air._

_"Faggots like you are an insult to humanity," he snarled, tearing off my glasses and spitting in my face; I winced back, blinking frantically to clear my eyes. "You claim to save the world, but you just make sure it's going to hell- you and that fucking little green fag."_

_I wriggled desperately, panting- his insults second to the physical pain. "Torque...! Torque, I can't breathe...!"_

_With a disgusted growl, he threw me to the ground; I yelped, hearing my glasses hit the floor beside me. A rain of blows fell on me, then- the football team and other jocks, all laughing and chatting jovially with Torque and amongst themselves._

_"Zim...!" His name left my throat as a squeak, and the boys howled with laughter as their assaults gained momentum._

_"Crying for your boyfriend?!" one of them cackled, shrieking with laughter. "Wot a little bitch!"_

_"Hey! Maybe we should give him what he wants!" one suggested, sounding to my ears like a squealing pig. "Why should that little green fag have all the fun?!"_

_"No... no...!" I shrieked, panic rising in me as I felt my pants unzipped and tugged at. "NonoNO! Zim! Zim!"_

_Why was I wailing his name? It only made things worse; it only made my own self-loathing join the cloud of hatred surrounding us._

_Yet I couldn't stop._

_As the tears began to fill my eyes, I couldn't stop._

_"_ZIM_!"_

_"Hey! Hey, you kids!"_

_I felt the jocks stiffen around me- then they were running, sprinting in all directions and leaving me there, whimpering and half-naked in the middle of the now-deserted hallway. A shape crouched over me- familiar, but only vaguely._

_"Dib? Dib, it's alright."_

_"... Mr... Dwicky...?" I asked softly, disoriented. My councilor nodded, gingerly pulling my clothes back into place._

_"I'm sorry, Dib. I wish you could go up to the stars like I did. I really wish you could go- with Zim. Ask him to take you away from this stupid rock."_

_... ... ..._

"Meet me at the bridge, Zim."

_That was all my note had said. Because Dwicky had helped me come to the most important conclusion of my life._

_The Irken peered at me as I leaned out over the railing; I could feel his questioning gaze on me, even though my eyes were closed._

_"Take me away from here, Zim."_

_I felt his tangible surprise- rocked back and leaned out a bit farther, feeling the wind tear at my hair._

_"What is the foolish Dib-thing speaking of?"_

_"Away from Earth, Zim. Let's leave. Let's go to Irk- or Jupiter, for all I care. Let's just _go_, Zim, and never come back."_

_I heard his intake of breath. "How can the Dib-thing say such foolishness?!" he demanded, taking a step forward. _

_I sighed, breathing in the crisp, moist air drifting up from the river. _

_"Zim will take over the Earth!" he continued, his voice vehement. "Zim will not _leave_! And the Dib will try to stop me, therefore the Dib must not leave!" _

_My eyes cracked open, but closed just as quickly. "Zim, you and I both know that isn't true," I murmured, trying to quell the momentary pang of nausea that had hit me when I looked down. "We both know that my dad is right- I'll never amount to anything. We both know that the Tallest are right- you'll never amount to anything. So why keep torturing ourselves like this? This... this isn't life. This is worse than death- so much worse." No words I had ever spoken, I was sure, had ever been as true as those. _

_Zim hissed- sounding disgusted. "The Dib sounds as if he is giving up!" he spat, and I heard his feet scuff the ground. "Invader Zim does not surrender, and neither does the Dib-human!" _

_I took another breath, eyes still closed, vividly aware of how my bruised rib cage expanded and contracted. "Zim, I'm not staying here. Either I fly to the stars with you, or I go over them alone._

_"Say we'll leave, Zim- promise me. Or I'll jump."_

_I heard him squeak with surprise- he started to say something, but his voice was too strangled to make out. When at last he managed to speak, his words were comfortingly harsh. "You stupid stink-boy, get off that railing! Come to Zim, come to Zim _now_!" _

_"Will you take me away, Zim?" I asked softly, and he huffed._

_"Zim will not run," he muttered sorely, although I knew he was nursing a sprained shoulder, pulled out of its socket by Torque's latest assault._

_"Well, Dib would like to run," I breathed, having received all the answer I needed. "This morning i got into a fight with my Dad; do you know what he told me?" Rising up so that my foothold was precariously small, I took a deep breath. "That I was the bitterest disappointment of his life. And he was right. _

_"They won't bother you when I'm gone- so long as you don't talk about me too much._

_"I hope you conquer this rotting ball of mud, Zim."_

_And then I let myself fall._

_"No!" Zim's shriek pierced the air, and I felt him grab my waist. Shrieking with surprise and pain as his claw-like-nails sunk into me, I began to writhe._

_"Zim, let go! Let me die! Let me run!" I wailed, the tears beginning to come. "Zim, I love you too damn much to stay here! You bastard, let go of me!"_

_"Zim will _not_!" he screamed back, hauling me back up onto the bridge. "No, Zim will _not_! You stupid, stinking human! You will _not _run from _Zim_!"_

_I was sobbing and screaming as he took me into his arms- skinny arms that you would never think would be so strong. I beat at him, scratching and punching and feeling his thick blue blood spatter me as I found purchase on his face. We both went tumbling to the ground before he managed to subdue me, pinning my wrists above my head and kissing me roughly. I knew my saliva burned him, so I bit his tongue and, when he drew back, spat in his face._

_"I'm taking the Dib-thing for help," Zim said authoritatively, ignoring my assault and hauling me to my feet. "I cannot help the Dib-thing; Zim will find people- humans -who can."_

_"No, no, no..." I moaned suddenly, my hostility vanishing in a wave of despair. "Zim... no...! I'm sorry Zim... no..."_

_"The Dib is _not _sorry," the Irken sniffed, "and Zim cares for the Dib too much to leave well enough alone."_

_He dragged me into the sterile white building- the psychiatric hospital; I no longer had the energy to fight him, but I do remember _pleading_._

_"No Zim no... no no no Zim no Zim no... Zim no... Zim... Zim...!"_

_He threw me against the counter, stretching up onto his toes as he asked the woman, "If I leave my precious one here, he... will be taken care of?"_

_"Oh yes..." the woman replied in a nasally voice. "We could check you in, too, if you'd like... you look like you've had the fright of your life."_

_For the first time, I realized that Zim was trembling. "That won't be necessary. I... am Zim."_

_The woman shrugged; popped her gum. "Suit yourself. We'll take good care of your little friend for you."_

_"You have Zim's gratitude, human beast."_

... ... ...

"Zim..."

You look at me with those beautiful, limpid red eyes; you look up from the battered leather journal in your lap. I wince at how weak my voice sounds.

"Forgive Zim..." you whisper, leaning down and nuzzling me gently- your breath is so deliciously warm on my face, and I wish I could tell you that. Perhaps one day, but for now my voice is as frail as I am, and I must use it carefully- say only what is most important.

"I hate you, Zim."

Your breathless laugh- that sound that kept me sane, if barely. "Zim is glad to hear that," you choke, and your eyes crinkle pleasantly as they close. "Glad the Dib has not changed to someone..." you sound like something is strangling as you force out, "... that Zim does not recognize."

I nod; struggle to squirm into your lap. You understand- I knew you would, lifting me gently; your warmth comforts me and I murmur softly, without words- I don't _have _any words, except, "If I could, I'd hit you."

"Zim would hit you, if I didn't think it might kill you, frail little humanling."

I laugh, though it hurts my chest. Your hand there quells the stab of of pain as if by magic.

"The humans say the Dib-thing has an infection in his chest cavity," you inform me softly, your eyes touchingly limpid with concern- concern that warms me as much if not more than your arms. "You should not speak, Zim thinks."

I smiled. "Zim shouldn't think. It's dangerous."

Your tongue- usually so annoying -feels like velvet on my nose, your purr wreathing around me. "Foolish, sweet little human."

"You seem to be the one who's changed."

Your purr thrums through my whole body, making every fiber of my being sing with life. You're all around me- how, _how _can your presence envelope me like this? Perhaps I'll ask when I have more words to spare. But for now I think my breath is gone; my throat is sore with tears and inhospitable for words, let alone a question so tender as that one. So I close my eyes, simply letting you be there, all around me, and not questioning how it came to be or how it is possible.

"Zim has not changed, little stink-beast. I simply missed your revolting stench. Hurry and get better, now; Zim commands it. So that things may return to how they must be. So that life may resume."

"..." I open my eyes again, briefly; gaze up at the ceiling. '_So that life... may resume.' _"Where do you find the strenght, Zim?" I rasp, and you blink. Though my words are growing almost too faint for me to make out, I try to clarify. "You're the same as me- you should feel the same despair. How do you keep it at bay...?"

And you think- for the first time, I see a contemplative light in those beloved ruby eyes, as if I've fallen in love with not an impulsive alien invader but a great philosopher. Yet your answer is simple, insanely so.

"I do not think of such things."

I laugh- it's more a rasping confined to my chest, with scarcely a whisper of sound, but you know, and smile. Your forehead presses against mine- isn't that how you told me, so many eons ago, that Irkens express the utmost affection and comfort?

"I do not think of such things," you repeat softly, kissing my skin lightly- a painfully human show of affection. "And so the Dib-thing must not. Focus on life, focus on Zim."

I close my eyes again- smile. "Alright. I'll focus on life.

"I'll focus on Zim."

"And I on my Dib-thing, of course."

~THE END~

**(A/N) Please leave a review- it would really make my night. :) I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing it. **


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